The More Things Change

                      TO A GENTLEMAN

WHO HAD SENT HIM A NEWSPAPER, AND OFFERED TO

           CONTINUE IT FREE OF EXPENSE.

Kind Sir, I’ve read your paper through,

And, faith, to me ’twas really new!

How guess’d ye, Sir, what maist I wanted?

This mony a day I’ve grain’d and gaunted

To ken what French mischief was brewin’;

Or what the drumlie Dutch were doin’;

That vile doup-skelper, Emperor Joseph,

If Venus yet had got his nose off;

Or how the collieshangie works

Atween the Russians and the Turks:

Or if the Swede, before he halt,

Would play anither Charles the Twalt:

If Denmark, any body spak o’t;

Or Poland, wha had now the tack o’t;

How cut-throat Prussian blades were hingin’;

How libbet Italy was singin’;

If Spaniard, Portuguese, or Swiss

Were sayin’ or takin’ aught amiss:

Or how our merry lads at hame,

In Britain’s court kept up the game:

How royal George, the Lord leuk o’er him!

Was managing St. Stephen’s quorum;

If sleekit Chatham Will was livin’;

Or glaikit Charlie got his nieve in:

How daddie Burke the plea was cookin’,

If Warren Hastings’ neck was yeukin;

How cesses, stents, and fees were rax’d,

Or if bare a—s yet were tax’d

The news o’ princes, dukes, and earls,

Pimps, sharpers, bawds, and opera girls;

If that daft buckie, Geordie Wales,

Was threshin’ still at hizzies’ tails;

Or if he was grown oughtlins douser,

And no a perfect kintra cooser.—

A’ this and mair I never heard of;

And but for you I might despair’d of.

So, gratefu’, back your news I send you,

And pray, a’ guid things may attend you! 

Ellisland, Monday morning, 1790.

From The Complete Works of Robert Burns

The header commentary on the poem reads:

[These sarcastic lines contain a too true picture of the times in which they were written. Though great changes have taken place in court and camp, yet Austria, Russia, and Prussia keep the tack of Poland: nobody says a word of Denmark: emasculated Italy is still singing; opera girls are still dancing; but Chatham Will, glaikit Charlie, Daddie Burke, Royal George, and Geordie Wales, have all passed to their account.]

From Bartleby's Robert Burn glossary:

 

collieshangie -- a squabble

cooser -- courser, stallion, or, as we would say, stud 

doup-skelper -- a bottom-smacker

douser -- douse means sober or prudent, thus more sober or prudent

drumlie -- Scot - dreary, gloomy when speaking of weather; dark and turbid, muddy when speaking of water.

glaikit -- foolish, giddy

kintra -- country

libbet -- castrated -- By adding this word to my vocabulary, I have accomplished something this week.

nieve -- fist

oughtlins -- in the least

rax -- stretch or extend

sleekit -- sleek, but in the sense of "slick", crafty

stents -- assessments, I think "cesses" is the same to make the line work.

yeukin -- itching