More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. – Romans 5:3-5
One of the questions I keep asking myself is: What
did I do wrong? It’s funny because
if you had asked me before I looked it up, I would have sworn that guilt was one
of the stages in the Kübler-Ross bereavement cycle. It’s not.
The five stages are: Denial,
Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
I don’t really feel guilt so much as I feel that I failed, and I suppose
I am still in denial in a way.
I’ve cleaned the house, the kitchen, the bathrooms, cleared
out the refrigerator, and done several loads of laundry after the kids were
here, but I still have my wife’s yard-work clothes hanging where she had them
in the garage. All of her hundreds of shoes
are right where she put them. The
drawers are all the way she had them, and they will be for a long time.
Rejoicing in suffering seems rather unrealistic right
now. There are certainly things I can
focus on that are positive such as our daughter’s progress, but, overall, joy
is not an option. I can’t say that I’m
suffering the last couple of days either.
It’s more like numbness. The
uncontrollable fits of sobbing have passed for now. Unless I start talking too much.
What I know I have to do is endure. And I do have hope. Of course, there is the hope, the certainty
really, of Vickie being with Christ and knowing that I will see her again. There’s a hope, too, that I’ll break out of
this mental and spiritual dead-zone at some point. I suppose I am afraid. We were always in this together. B.V. – Before Vickie – remember, I was
dope-smoking, boozing dirt biker. I’ve
never been a Christian by myself. That
sounds stupid even as I write it because no one is ever a Christian by himself
or herself. The center of it is
communion. Not even God can commune with
Himself, which is why He is the Trinity.
So Paul brings us to that point as well: it’s because of the love of God – the greatest
of these -- which will never pass away.
Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness spillage today. I'll try to do better manana.
6 comments:
Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness spillage today. I'll try to do better manana.
I thought it was a pretty good ramble. Glad to hear you are recovering a bit.
You shouldn't feel sorry. Even now, you have wisdom enough to share.
I appreciate it. I know it's not really possible to return to normal in a lot of my life. I referred to getting out on my bike over the weekend as a therapeutic ride.
This is therapy every day.
There's a feeling of being rudderless to go along with that numbness. And yes, although you are not alone you feel alone at times.
Now you gotta do things you ain't used to doing. Everything changes, but there is an anchor.
The anchor of God's love, and the love you and your wife shared for each other.
Indeed, that endures and it's good that you are focusing on that, Dwaine.
That love will provide you with navigation lights as you make your way through the fog of grief and uncertainty.
God bless you brother.
Thanks, Ben.
Yes, it's disorienting. I'm like a lost puppy part of the time.
These read like dispatches from the front lines.
Thanks for sharing with us, Mush. We need to hear from you.
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