Perhaps it may turn out a sang,
Perhaps turn out a sermon.

-- R. Burns Epistle to a Young Friend

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Call Me The Rambler

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. – Romans 5:3-5

One of the questions I keep asking myself is:  What did I do wrong?  It’s funny because if you had asked me before I looked it up, I would have sworn that guilt was one of the stages in the K├╝bler-Ross bereavement cycle.  It’s not.  The five stages are:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  I don’t really feel guilt so much as I feel that I failed, and I suppose I am still in denial in a way. 

I’ve cleaned the house, the kitchen, the bathrooms, cleared out the refrigerator, and done several loads of laundry after the kids were here, but I still have my wife’s yard-work clothes hanging where she had them in the garage.  All of her hundreds of shoes are right where she put them.  The drawers are all the way she had them, and they will be for a long time. 

Rejoicing in suffering seems rather unrealistic right now.  There are certainly things I can focus on that are positive such as our daughter’s progress, but, overall, joy is not an option.  I can’t say that I’m suffering the last couple of days either.  It’s more like numbness.  The uncontrollable fits of sobbing have passed for now.  Unless I start talking too much. 

What I know I have to do is endure.  And I do have hope.  Of course, there is the hope, the certainty really, of Vickie being with Christ and knowing that I will see her again.  There’s a hope, too, that I’ll break out of this mental and spiritual dead-zone at some point.  I suppose I am afraid.  We were always in this together.  B.V. – Before Vickie – remember, I was dope-smoking, boozing dirt biker.  I’ve never been a Christian by myself.  That sounds stupid even as I write it because no one is ever a Christian by himself or herself.  The center of it is communion.  Not even God can commune with Himself, which is why He is the Trinity.

So Paul brings us to that point as well:  it’s because of the love of God – the greatest of these -- which will never pass away.  

Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness spillage today.  I'll try to do better manana.


John Lien said...

Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness spillage today. I'll try to do better manana.

I thought it was a pretty good ramble. Glad to hear you are recovering a bit.

julie said...

You shouldn't feel sorry. Even now, you have wisdom enough to share.

mushroom said...

I appreciate it. I know it's not really possible to return to normal in a lot of my life. I referred to getting out on my bike over the weekend as a therapeutic ride.

This is therapy every day.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

There's a feeling of being rudderless to go along with that numbness. And yes, although you are not alone you feel alone at times.
Now you gotta do things you ain't used to doing. Everything changes, but there is an anchor.

The anchor of God's love, and the love you and your wife shared for each other.
Indeed, that endures and it's good that you are focusing on that, Dwaine.
That love will provide you with navigation lights as you make your way through the fog of grief and uncertainty.

God bless you brother.

mushroom said...

Thanks, Ben.

Yes, it's disorienting. I'm like a lost puppy part of the time.

Rick said...

These read like dispatches from the front lines.
Thanks for sharing with us, Mush. We need to hear from you.