There was a long war between the house of Saul and the house of David. But David grew stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul grew weaker and weaker. -- 2 Samuel 3:1
This is true for each of us personally, and it is true as well for the kingdom in an historic sense. We are engaged in a very long war that has many skirmishes, many operations, maneuvers and battles. Self is weakening even as the Spirit is strengthening. This isn't always plain in our conflicts and encounters day by day. I think, though, that God never loses ground He gains. Every act of obedience, every effort of discipline, and every moment of communion is an advance. I suppose that it is possible to engage in self-indulgence to the point that a position is lost. There may be some who become so enamored of self that they fall back and surrender. More likely they were self-sympathizers and collaborators in the first place.
For most of us the most dangerous weapons the enemy wields are discouragement and impatience. It is a long war and mostly a dull one. We are pinned down by habit and complacency -- and, yes, sometimes by cowardice. At other times, we get turned around in the fog of war and lose track of which is the real enemy.
Even though I can plug my MP3 player into the stereo in both our vehicles, I still like compact discs. We were in the truck Saturday, and I put in a CD I had burned and labeled "Fun Songs". It is a motley collection of bluegrass, Texas swing, and Bo Diddley. I strategically placed an Alan Jackson cut as number one so that my wife would not immediately yank it out and try something else. Several years ago, Jackson did a CD of cover songs called "Under Their Influence", or something like that, as a tribute to the country singers who had influenced him. Of course, my wife has this CD. One of the songs called “The Way I Am” was written by Sonny Throckmorton and based on a recording done by Merle Haggard.
I had never heard this particular song until I heard the Jackson version. I was immediately struck by the poignancy of it. It is about man who would rather be somewhere else doing something else but continues to do his job. The narrator wishes he were “down on some blue bayou\ a bamboo cane stuck in the sand\ But the road I’m on don’t seem to go there\ So I’ll just dream and keep on bein’ the way I am.” Many of us can look at our lives, especially as we get older and think that we are somewhat boxed in. We can identify when the song says: “Wish I enjoyed what makes my livin’\ What I do with a willin’ hand\ Some would run, but that ain’t like me\ So I’ll just dream and keep on bein’ the way I am”.
My job seems overwhelming and excessively demanding at times. I get so tired and frustrated that I begin to despair and lose heart. As the song played, my wife asked me, “If you weren’t working at this job, what would you want to do?” I could not at the time give her an answer because it is really two different questions, and it took me a while to sort them out. The first question is: if I didn’t have to work for a living, what would I do. The answer to that is: write poems, catch fish, and grow potatoes, beans, and blackberries. The second question is: what would I want to do to make a living. That is the question I answered at the time, and I said honestly, “I don’t know.”
There is a courage that is required to change and do the right thing. There is also an often neglected, sometimes disparaged courage required to stay in the trenches and see things through to the end, to not “follow our dreams” when that would do damage to others. Part of being a Christian is to think about how our own actions impact those around us, those who depend on us, who look to us for hope and help. Whether we thought we asked for that position or not, it is ours, and we are responsible. When we refuse to run and continue to do our often routine duty, even if we do it grudgingly, we hand self a great defeat in this long war. What people often call “soul-killing drudgery” is really “old-man-killing drudgery”.
I am winning the long war, so I’ll just dream and keep on being the way I am.
